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Category: Sleeping with Ward Cleaver

The Real Mrs. Clean

Okay, so a little last-minute unexpected drop-by company—-someone I haven’t seen since the dawn of mankind—-got me thinking about this piece I wrote quite a few years back. We might be out of the legos-all-over-the-floor-stage, but the mess? Well, let’s just say it’s better than it used to be and leave it at that...

I love this lady--it looks almost like me with a broom. 'Cept I'd be frowning LOL
I love this lady--it looks almost like me with a broom. 'Cept I'd be frowning LOL

Housekeeping is not my bag. You might never know this, if you didn’t come for a visit. From the curb, my quiet, unassuming abode looks just like any other house around (except that I haven’t mulched or weeded in a year). But step foot inside, and if you’re lucky you might be able to travel two feet before stumbling upon something left in the wrong place and destined to cause you to do a Dick Van Dyke flip over the ottoman right onto your behind.

Dishes are stacked to eyeball level in the kitchen, waiting to be washed once we run out of utensils. In the bedroom, you’ll find piles of unread magazines decorating the perimeter of the unvacuumed carpet. Catalogues that will never be used (but you just never know) rest peacefully in a corner, secure in the knowledge that they are not bound for the recycling bin for at least 6 more months. Half-finished projects lie unattended, detritus of dashed ambitions.

Throughout the house at any given time you are likely to find strewn about the floor: backpacks, lunchboxes (day-old leftovers intact therein), pens and pencils, dirty socks and undies (always turned inside out), hair elastics, twisted beyond repair, mangled dog toys, heel-piercing lego bits, and the occasional spot of parrot doo doo (lucky for us, our bird has projectile capabilities).

To my great relief, my house has not gotten this disastrous. Yet.
To my great relief, my house has not gotten this disastrous. Yet.

For some reason I have found over the years that just when I think I’m gonna grab the bull by the horns and make something of my mess, it all just seems to snowball further out of control. Carpe diem, schmiem. With 3 kids, 2 dogs, a cat, a parrot, and the commensurate tumbleweeds of fur, feathers and food that migrate across my floor, I’m lucky that I’m not raising a family of asthmatics by now. So let me just warn you right off the bat: you cannot eat off of these floors. Unless you’re looking to get pinworms or something.

This non-neatnik problem has weighed heavily on my mind for a while. I think I hit an all-time low several years ago when I contemplated entering a contest on a national television show: Why I need The View to Come Help Me Clean Up and Organize My House. When you think about it, you’ve gotta be feeling a bit desperate about things to resort to a contest in the first place. To then shamelessly videotape your mess of a house in the hopes that you are chosen, so that the entire nation can then see your untidy ways, is really rather pathetic. But honey, this little lemming (or is that salmon?) is not swimming successfully against the tide.

You want to know the worst thing about that contest? I never got around to sending off the application in time; it got lost in a pile of papers on top of my messy desk. As my then 9-year old son said, “irony rears its ugly head!”

Truthfully, I found I was limited by the constraints of the application. I’m a wordy girl; the limit was around 50 words, and I just couldn’t whittle it down. But in case you’re interested in my plea for salvation, here goes.

Top Ten Reasons to Help Jen Get Organized:

7) Great visuals, touring pigsty;

6) Audience will laugh out loud at the slob;

5) Prevents basement’s spontaneous combustion;

4) Her kids won’t think she’s a hypocrite;

3) Husband will stop threatening to run away;

2) Frees up time for therapy sessions; and

1) Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Now maybe if I had some spiffy Mr. Clean boxer-briefs I'd be motivated to clean more...Not that I wear boxer-briefs!

Now maybe if I had some spiffy Mr. Clean boxer-briefs I’d be motivated to clean more. (Not that I’d wear boxer-briefs!)

I find that being organized for a family of five is an onerous task for someone like me. I mean, I can’t recall a time when organizational skills were a hallmark of my personality to begin with. When I was single, my idea of being organized was wearing the same color bra and panties at the same time. But now, trying to keep one step ahead of a houseful of mess-makers has me weary. I’m sick and tired of having my house look like it’s been ransacked by burglars. Ironic, considering we don’t really own anything terribly burgle-worthy anyhow.

So to make myself feel better, I’ve decided to attribute these shortcomings to genetics. One of the beauties of having children is when they pick up all your bad habits, you’re able to rationalize that these are genetic traits that cannot be helped. I had a father who abandoned his nice, organized briefcase in favor of hauling his paperwork to and from work in cardboard boxes. Rather than periodically cleaning out his brief-box, he just kept dumping all the contents into bigger and bigger containers. Eventually he had to see an orthopedic surgeon due to his back problems. No doubt from schlepping his heavy cargo.

So my kids are doomed to repeat these slovenly ways. When my son brings home notes from teachers lamenting that his locker is so cluttered it won’t close all the way, I heave a sigh and throw my hands up in dismay. When my girls misconstrue the notion of picking up their rooms, and simply shove everything along the wall, my consternation is supplanted by resignation. Thank heavens my husband likes to file and sort things, otherwise my whole family might one day end up buried alive beneath of mountain of life’s debris.

Lucky for us, we occasionally do get houseguests, though. And about the only thing that lights the match under my behind to get things sparklingly clean around here is the threat of outsiders seeing the true me. So if you’re planning to visit our house any time soon, have no fear. I’ll be armed and ready with my mop, vacuum, dust rags and trash bin (if only I could find them!). And if you’re really lucky, you might actually be able to eat off the floor.

Whoooo-Hoooo for Judi Fennell's Debut Novel!!!


A couple of years ago my then-manuscript, Sleeping with Ward Cleaver, finaled in the Dorchester Publishing/Romantic Times American Title III contest. Amongst the group of finalists was my guest today, Judi Fennell, whose friendship just happens to be yet another wonderful thing that came about from being in that contest (yeah, winning it was pretty sweet, too, but Judi, you’re a close second!). It was a pleasant bonus to learn that she, too, is a graduate of Penn State, which is, of course, one kick-ass institution of higher learning ;-) . 

After the American Title contest, Judi went on to final in I think one or two of the Gather.com writing contests and networked her butt off and landed a publishing contract with the lovely Deb Werksman at SourceBooks for her novel In Over Her Head and the rest, as they say, is history. 

Judi and I have been compared at times. Must be because we’re from Penn State. Or because we’re blonde…Ish. And because we have a snarky sense of humor at times. Whatever it is, I really love to read what she writes because it is funny and clever and because she works so damned hard at it too. I know you’ll love her debut novel In Over Her Head.

Here’s the buzz on the book:

Nora Roberts? Danielle Steel? Much acclaimed romance writers should step aside. There is a new romance writer in town and she is certainly causing a great splash with her debut novel, In Over Her Head.”

-ABibliophile.com

I truly found a pearl in my oyster when I read this delightful tale. I was surprised how good of a book In Over Her Head is. It is extremely well-written, the storyline flows and I was hooked from the first page.

-LongAndShortReviews.blogspot.com

IN OVER HER HEAD is a delightful, quirky blend of humor, adventure and passion. All in all, this is a fast, fun read and a great way to spend a snowy afternoon or a sunny day at the beach.

-Lynda K. Scott, Star-Crossed Romance

In Over Her Head is a heartwarming, but action-packed story of two people-one human and the other of the seaworthy body-joined together in an adventure. I enjoyed this story immensely.

-Dawn M. Ekinia, Armchair Interviews

A delightful underwater adventure… full of good-natured humor and fun. A strong first effort by a promising new talent.

-Romantic Times

A playful debut… sincere wit.

-Publisher’s Weekly 

And here’s what it’s about: 

When Erica Peck, one terrified-of-the-ocean marina owner, finds herself at the bottom of the sea conversing with a Mer man named Reel, she thinks she’s died and gone to her own version of Hell. When the Oceanic Council demands she and Reel retrieve a lost cache of diamonds from the resident sea monster in return for their lives, she knows she’s died and gone to Hell.

When they escape the monster and end up on a deserted island, she amends her opinion – she’s died and gone to Heaven.

But when Reel sacrifices himself to allow her to return to her world, she realizes that, Heaven or Hell, with Reel, she’s In Over Her Head.

JG: Tell me a little about your book. 

JF: Erica has been scared of the ocean ever since The Incident when she was a little girl and won’t go in unless under duress. Being at the wrong end of her ex-boyfriend’s gun is that duress. Reel Tritone, second in line for the Mer throne, has been fascinated with Erica ever since The Incident, but interacting with Humans is against Mer law, so he can only watch from afar. Until she ends up in the water with a shark on her tail and Reel has to make the biggest decision of his life… because Erica is really In Over Her Head.

JG: What got you writing in the genre in which you write. 

JF: When your favorite shows are about genies and witches – I Dream of Jeannie and Bewitched – it’s kind of pointless to assume you’re going to write straight romance. In my stories, I get to relive the wonder and fun of those shows. Toss in my love for all things Disney and fairy tales, and paranormal romance novels are right up my alley.

JG: Favorite thing about being a writer? 

JF: Writing in my fluffy robe, fur-lined mules, feather boa and tiara. :) Seriously, my favorite thing is to hear from people that they liked my story.

JG: Least favorite thing about being a writer? 

JF: The perception of Romance in the media. I recently saw a story on a major network show about how Romance is recession-proof, that the sales of Romance are up in this rotten economy, yet the reporter went for all the “bodice-ripper” and “tales of lusty love.” Mystery writers don’t have to defend their genre, Science Fiction, thriller, etc. but Romance always has to justify itself.

JG: What is the most interesting thing that’s happened to you since becoming a published author? 

JF: Having people I don’t know email me that they love my stories. This was my “little talking fish” story that everyone else is getting the humor and enjoying, and that just tickles me pink.

JG: What’s your favorite type of pie? 

JF: Apple. And I make a good one. Thanks to my 9th grade Home Ec teacher, that’s my contribution to family gatherings. The funny thing is, I entered a pie baking contest against that teacher (it was a blind judging) and won. Yes, I got an A in that class. :)

Here’s how on top of it Judi is: she’s already got her two sequels put to bed and ready for publication. Well, almost. But they’ll be out soon, so look for these titles: Wild Blue Under and Catch of a Lifetime.

And lastly, to celebrate the release of each of her books, Judi Fennell and the Atlantis Inn and the Hibiscus House bed and breakfasts are raffling off three romantic beach getaway weekends. All information is on Judi’s website, www.JudiFennell.com

101 Uses for Those Unused Tampons that Unravel in Your Purse

Hi all! Sorry I’ve been slack about posting lately but between deadlines and the month of May, I’m out of steam! But for you, I’m dredging up something my friends and I came up with one night over a couple of bottles of wine. It was good for a few laughs then…Not so sure if by the light of day it’s quite so amusing…You decide.

Okay, ladies, you’ve all faced this dilemma. You’re rifling through your purse, digging for your keys, sunglasses, wallet, whatever, when you pull up at least one and probably several unusable tampons, the wrappers half-unraveled, no longer something you want to use for their intended purpose. Yet it seems such a waste to just toss them in the trash bin. After much deliberation and consultation with experts, and in the interest of economy and ecology, I have compiled an extensive list of suggested uses for these seemingly useless items. Next time you start digging in your purse, you too can imagine the possibilities…

(oh, and by the way, there might be exactly 101…I got tired of counting!)

Top Uses for Unravelled Tampons

1)  Stop those annoying nose bleeds

2)  Ear plugs

3)  Pretend sticks of dynamite for the kids

4)  Mop up small spills on the floor

5)  Effectively dabs away tears

6)  Unusual hair accessory

7)  Tie several together to make unique pompom

8 )  Plug holes in boat

9)  Creative dangly earrings

10) Zit cover-up applicator

11) Christmas ornament

12) Pasties in a pinch

13) String along rope for one of a kind garland décor

14) Toothbrush of last resort

15) Drapery tassles

16) Roll in catnip to drive your cat crazy with insta-kitty toy

17) Fringe for flapper dress

18) Pull cord for lamp or ceiling fan

19) Unique tool for sponge painting

20) Finial for curtain rods

21) Plug holes in dikes

22) Dab on pizza to absorb excess grease

23) Avante garde indoor plant decoration

24) Tie on dog’s tail and watch Fido chase his tail for hours

25) Dental cotton

26) Useful paint applicator

27) Use to skim fat from surface of soup broth

28) Tassels for loafers

29) Makes great parrot toy

30) Ideal for quick dusting of crumbs from moustache

31) Dip in hot wax, then ignite string end for unusual taper

32) Tie clusters on ends of bike handlebars, watch them flap in the wind!

33) Decorate bumpers of newlyweds car

34) Tongue depressor (added bonus, ends problematic side affect of drooling)

35) Great pretend rescue float for Lifeguard Barbie

36) Dip in hot wax and use as sink-proof key ring for boat keys

37) Starter kindling for fireplace

38) Collect lots and use for confetti

39) Paint in pretty pastel colors and tie together for stylish bouquet

40) Final touch for gift wrap packaging—no more curling ribbon!

41) Suspend in clusters from tomato stakes to frighten deer and crows away

42) Glue on rim of picture frame for textured look

43) Just for fun, fill sink with water, see how many it takes to absorb all the water in the sink!

44) Science experiments

45) Great for cleaning test tubes

46) Use to polish sunglasses

47) Wrap with old tootsie roll wrapper and fool your friends when you offer them candy!

48) Soak in witch hazel, squeeze out, and press over puffy eyes

49) Perfect shape for cleaning out dogs’ ears

50) Glue several, end to end, leaving string on one end. paint camouflage earth tones, tease your sister with authentic fake snake

51) Pretend cigar

52) Polka dot applicator

53) Tie on car antenna for ease in finding vehicle in crowded parking lot

54) Makes great protective packaging materials instead of landfill-unfriendly Styrofoam

55) Tie string in loop, use as napkin ring

56) Have crazy tampon  battle with your friends: just aim and shoot

57) Use cardboard tube to shoot spitballs (added bonus: you can even use wrapper for spitball!)

58) Tube makes a fun straw

59) Poke holes in tube to make a slide whistle

60) Connect cardboard tubes together for chopsticks

61) Insert pointer finger in cardboard tube and annoy friends by tapping them with it

62) Glue tubes together in random format to make reindeer antlers for Christmas play

63) Replacement Nerf gun ammunition

64) Cardboard tube is great storage for your favorite pens

65) Cardboard tube makes perfect spyglass

66) Secure tampons at armpit, avoid embarrassing pit stains on dry clean only clothes

67) Pacifier/drool inhibitor for teething baby

68) Place between toes during pedicure

69) Drop in outdoor fountain for “instant water lily”

70) Connect cardboard tubes together for drumsticks

71) Unscrupulous plumber trick: drop down drain before leaving plumbing job; guarantees a return call to find source of new clog

72) Tape to finger tips and enjoy gratifying thump thump thump while drumming fingers

73) More effective than sandbags for halting encroaching flood waters

74) Snip off string and works as comfie Barbie neck pillow

75) Great tool for hypnosis (you are getting sleepy)

76) Fill tube w/ coffee beans, cover ends w/ pointer finger and thumb for handy percussion instrument

 

Okay so I don’t have quite 101, but I’ll add more if I think of them. In the meantime, saving the last for last…

101) Dangle in front of husband to use as excuse to get out of sex (don’t have to say you have a headache, just shrug your shoulders and say, “Gee, can’t honey, I’m having my period!”). He’ll run the other way with no questions asked.

Yes, folks, this was made entirely of tampons. How’s that for creativity?